


Behind Blue Eyes

by magical_woodchips_of_death



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Behind Blue Eyes, First Fanfic so sorry, I wrote it at like midnight so yeah, Just try and put up with me, KInda sad i guess, M/M, Songfic, The Who - Freeform, Trigger warning for suicide, idk man, sorry - Freeform, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2018-01-02 05:38:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magical_woodchips_of_death/pseuds/magical_woodchips_of_death
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pretty much just thought hey man this song reminds me of my two favorite people and so this happened sorry. Behind Blue Eyes by the Who.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Yea I'm sorry it was midnight and I should never be left alone with a computer. I hope it isn't too bad but you know whatever it probably is. Thanks for reading it anyways i guess! Also if you read this and haven't listened to the song Behind Blue Eyes, I highly recommend it due to the fact that it is awesome and no one should be deprived of such amazingness.

_ No one knows what its like _

_ To be the bad man _

_ To be the sad man _

_ Behind blue eyes _

 

No one really knew Grantaire. They all saw the cynical drunk who was always smirking and making witty, sardonic comments to anything and everything anyone said. But inside , Grantaire was anything but. He had always thought himself to be worthless. He thought he was just a sad excuse for a man. He hid away behind his snarky comments and sarcastic remarks. He hid behind his wine and his beer. He hid behind his once bright, but now dull, blue eyes.

 

  
_ No one knows what it’s like _  


_ To be hated _

_ To be fated _

_ To telling only lies _

 

No one knew what it was like to be ridiculed the way Grantaire has been throughout his entire life. In fact, no one knew what Grantaires’ life was like before Les Amis. They knew he had come from a rough upbringing, but nobody knew just how bad it had actually been. His father had been an abusive drunk who would beat him everyday just because he could. His mother was in an even worse situation than he was. She was beat almost nonstop by Grantaires’ father; only able to escape when she had to go to work as a house cleaner. Grantaire had always wondered why his father had hated him so much, what had he done to deserve it. Grantaire soon learned that he was headed to the same fate as his father, a drunk who had nobody but his bottle. The only thing Grantaire had learned was how to hide the scars, how to lie to everyone around him so that they would never know the truth. The only one who even remotely knows about his past is his beautiful Apollo.

 

_ But my dreams _

_ They are n’t as empty _

_ As my conscience seems to be _

 

Grantaire was used to drinking himself to sleep every night. All he ever did was drink, now days. He found that the alcohol helped to hide the horrible nightmares that had plagued him every night of his childhood and most of his adult life. Grantaire would drink until he couldn’t remember the hell of his upbringing. He would drink until he was no longer haunted by the

memories of his past. He would drink and drink and drink until  he couldn’t even remember his own name, and then he would drink some more just to be sure. He had been repeating this everyday since he had discovered the power that alcohol had over him. Enjolras has been trying to help him stop, but he just can’t face his past without his alcoholic safety blanket yet.

_ I have hours, only lonely _

_ My love is vengeance _

_ That’s never free _

 

Grantaire doesn’t know exactly how long it’s been. The hours have faded into days and, even years now, as his life is slowly and painfully ebbing away. He feels paralyzed by his own grief and he knows its all his fault.  Enjolras has been trying to get Grantaire to let him in, but he just can’t. He wants to, oh he  wants to, but something is holding him back. Grantaire knows that if he lets his Apollo in to see the real him, he would run away. His love would only end up destroying the one thing he truly cares for, the only thing he has ever cared about. No. Grantaire can’t let that happen. His secret will stay hidden, and his love for Enjolras will never be truly known.

 

_ No one knows what it’s like _

_ To feel these feelings _

_ Like I do _

_ And I blame you _

No one understands. Not even Enjolras can understand. These feelings that Grantaire has kept hidden away all these years, he can’t just let them go. He can’t tell anyone because no one will get it. They would pretend to understand and they would try to help them, he knows that. But it would all just be guessing. So he keeps it bottled up inside of him and he keeps his bottle beside him. That’s just how it has to be. He knows its hurting Enjolras as well, and that is the last thing he has ever wanted to do, the last person he has ever wanted to hurt, but that’s also why he cant tell him. Grantaire just hopes that Enjolras will understand, and that he won’t blame him. But Enjolras doesn’t understand. And he does blame him. 

 

_No one bites back as hard_

_ On their anger _

_ None of my pain and woe _

_ Can show through _

 

Enjolras leaves. Grantaire knows it’s his fault. He doesn’t let the others see how angry he is at himself for letting the one thing that he had always wanted walk out his door. He doesn’ t

let his friends see his pain. He can’t let anyone see the anguish he is feeling. Not even the wine can hide the emotions.  He puts on his mask of cynicism and sarcasm and goes through the motions of the day, just like any other. Except not exactly. 

_ But my dreams _

_ They aren’t as empty _

_ As my conscience seems to be _

 

Grantaire continues to drink more and more, hoping that it will mask the dreams he has. He has been having more and more nightmares lately. And most of them revolve around one thing. Enjolras. He has drunken nightmares of Enjolras dying, and in every one it is because of him. Nightmares of Enjolras slowly bleeding out in his hands because he was stupid enough to let him inside. So every night there is more wine. A lot more wine. And he drinks. And he drinks. And he drinks… 

 

  
_ I have hours, only lonely _  


_ My love is vengeance _

_ That’s never free _

The nightmares continue to keep Grantaire up at night. He stays awake for hours all alone in his apartment. He sits in his bed and drinks. He still loves Enjolras with a vengeance that he can’t even begin to describe. He tries to drink the pain away, tries to drink away the emotions and love he feels. But it isn’t working. The more he drinks, the more unstable he becomes. His love for Enjolras continues to grow everyday, but he can never tell him. He can never tell him the truth. 

 

  
_ When my fist clenches, crack it open _  


_ Before I use it to lose my cool _

_ When I smile, tell me some bad news _

_ Before I laugh and act like a fool _

 

Grantaire knows his friends are worrying about him. He refuses to leave his apartment for anything but more beer or wine. He doesn’t want them to see him like this, as a drunk mess who can’t live with himself. So he hides away in his room and drinks in the hope that it will somehow erase his past. He doesn’t even  want to try anymore. He’s tired and he just wants everything to stop. He never wants to feel happy again because he knows that the moment he does, I the moment that he will ruin everything and everyone around him. Grantaire doesn’t think he deserves to be happy again.

 

_If I swallow anything evil_

_ Put you finger down my throat _

_ And if I shiver, please give me a blanket _

_Keep me warm, let me wear your coat._

 

Grantaire wants Enjolras back. He knows that he would never come back, but that doesn’t stop him from hoping. He wants Enjolras to try and save him, to help him save himself. He wants Enjolras to be there and for him to still love him the way he used to. He wants  anyone to care, Just one person. That’s all he wants. That’s all he has ever wanted. But he knows it’ll never happen.  He thinks he doesn’t deserve it.  So he drinks. And he drinks too much.

 

  
_ No one knows what its like _  


_ To be the bad man _

_ To be the sad man _

_ Behind Blue Eyes _

 

Enjolras is the one who found him. He was curled up on his bathroom floor. At first Enjolras had just thought he had passed out drunk again, so he went to pull him back into his bedroom. But Grantaire hadn’t been breathing. Enjolras tried to save him but there was nothing he could do. The doctors told them that he had drunk too much and, when he had passed out, choked on his vomit. Enjolras kept on a brave face and planned the funeral.

The day of the funeral rolled around  Combeferre ,  Jehan ,  Courfeyrac ,  Feuilly ,  Bahorel , Bossuet,  Joly , Musichetta, Marius, Cosette,  Eponine ,  Gavroche , and even  Valjean filed into the small funeral home. Everyone was there.  Everyone except Enjolras. Combreferre pulled out his phone and called him. And called him. And called him. They all rushed over to Enjolras’ apartment and found it empty. There was only one other place that he could be.

They found him stretched out on Grantaires bed, hand clutching one of Grantaires old, paint-stained shirts. He had left a small n ote saying Grantaires’ death had been all his fault and that he was sorry, but he couldn’t have lived with that.

Les Amis held two funerals. When they left that day, it was the last time that they would ever see each other again.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry again. Thanks for putting up with me. Like I said, I wasn't even the slightest bit coherent while writing this so sorry.


End file.
